after all, everyone has them

I’m not the most focused person under optimal conditions; add in a little stress and my brain is like an ADD golden retriever in a room full of tennis balls. If I don’t pay attention to everything, all at once, all the time, then something will definitely be forgotten.

Enter…

My To Do list, my ‘put it all down so it doesn’t jumble up my brain’ board, prioritized in order of ever-changing importance. Because I’m leaving for Texas in a week and a half, and if it’s not on the board, it’s just not getting done.

note to self: buy hair conditioner. print back-up directions. chill. out.

Yes, I’m going to Texas. The plan is to spend a few weeks job-hunting/sun-soaking, with the ultimate goal of getting myself hired and finally finishing the move that I started well over a year ago.

So I’m planning and organizing. Packing clothes, packing books, packing packing packing, and I swear on all that is good that I never want to move again, because I think I’ve been packing for the better part of six months. I’ve got my car tuned up and my route laid out. My iPod is loaded with audio books, and I will no doubt be photographically documenting every single “Welcome To” sign between here and Austin.

And then at some point, after I walk through some God-opened door and I actually get myself hired, I will have a massive meltdown because, “Holy wow, it’s actually happening and I’m really moving 2000 miles away and somebody hold me, please.”

Not once have I ever, for a single, solitary moment, doubted that this move is the right thing to do, but somehow now, when I am so very close to being there, it’s finally becoming real. And awesome. And more than a little intimidating.

So I turn back to my board, and hope for the next ten days to keep my brain from falling out of my head. Maybe I should write a sticky note for that…

*sniff*

When I mentioned, on the Gentle Christian Mothers board, that I would be coming to Austin and ‘is anyone interested in meeting up?’, a couple of the moms in the Dallas-Fort Worth area said that I should come to Dallas.

And so I did.

At 6:30 on Tuesday morning, I headed out from Austin in my rental car (unlimited miles, thankyouverymuch), bringing with me my trusty GPS and a fully stocked iPod. A little stop at Sonic for breakfast, and I was good to go.

Driving to Dallas from Austin, without stopping, takes about 3.5 hours. I’ve been told the drive is really boring, but I’m not so sure. Driving straight up through the state of Maine is boring (not the coast, but the vast, forested, and largely uninhabited middle area) – it takes longer, too. But the drive to Dallas was kind of fun. About 100 miles outside of Austin, I noticed that the surroundings had changed. Almost every vehicle on Highway 35 was a pick-up truck. I passed Horny Toad Harley-Davidson and Willie’s Place. I drove through Waco, right past Baylor University. I saw a billboard for a Beef Jerky Outlet (seriously).

My final destination was a little town just outside of Dallas called Rowlett. This enabled me to avoid actually going *through* Dallas, which was nice. I really didn’t want to deal with traffic, and I do believe people when they say that Dallas isn’t as pretty a city as Austin. But Rowlett is a beautiful little place, and I had a nice afternoon just hanging with moms and learning everything-there-is-to-know-EVER about dinosaurs from two of the older kiddos.

I did drive a bit closer to Dallas on the way back.

I was in Austin again just a little after dinnertime. I met Chris, Kayla, and most of their re-group at Mozart’s. We sat out on the deck, by the water; I had a cappuccino and a cannoli. They’re going through the book, A Praying Life, and we talked about that for awhile. I really was not wanting the trip to end, and I started feeling it at that moment. It was a perfect, beautiful evening.

And then I was back at their apartment, packing. I’d had to buy a duffel bag from Wal-Mart just to fit new clothes and souvenirs. I found my flats at Wal-Mart, too, just in time to wear them home. I laid out my clothes. Made sure the airport address was put in the GPS.

And I was suddenly hit with a wave of thoughts and emotions, so I wrote.

I packed up my computer and set my alarm. I settled down on the couch, Oliver rattling like a small motor on my chest. Had a hard time falling asleep. Had an even harder time getting up just a few hours later.

Then I boarded the plane.

And now I’m home. Got the best homecoming that a girl could ask for, from the best family that a girl could want. If I’m certain of nothing else right now, I am at least certain of this: I love our home.

And I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Don’t get me wrong: I love my family and I have missed them, I’ve missed our house, and I’ve missed everything about our little domestic unit.

But I can’t remember a trip where I’ve felt so torn about leaving, and so willing to ditch everything and just be here. I’m not saying it means anything – I don’t know if it does. I just know what I told Kayla tonight: this has been a really *big* year for me, and whatever ends up happening, this trip was significant.

Other than that, I’m not sure what else to say.

Thank you, Austin. For being awesome.

Then home for awhile. Watched more Top Gear (it’s British so, naturally, I am hooked), and Kayla and I made maple-glazed pumpkin cookies to bring to re-group. I had kind of been hoping to visit an Orthodox church here in Austin, but when it came down to it, I’m glad I spent the Sunday with Chris, Kayla and their new church family. It’s a really wonderful body of believers and I felt very encouraged by their love and their community.

Monday was similarly laidback. Kayla had to work, and I needed to do a little shopping (souvenir shopping so, no…I’m not telling you where I went). This is the first time I’ve really navigated around a strange city by myself, and New England, with its convoluted roadways, traffic circles, parallel parking, and whole neighborhoods full of one-way streets, has really soured me to city driving. But I have been pleasently surprised to find that Austin is not such a bad place to drive around.

I decided that I would make dinner Monday night, since both Kayla and Chris were working while I had free time in their apartment. Pan-seared steaks, braised potatoes, and roasted green beans. It was a fine meal, if I do say so myself. Add a little white wine and ice cream for desert, and you’ve got a recipe for a nice evening at home. Kayla and I had the night to ourselves, so it was a chick flick (with the aforementioned wine and ice cream) and an early night’s sleep.

Sort of.

As soon as I laid down to sleep on the couch, Oliver the kitten dropped a crumpled up ball of paper on my feet. Because apparently 10pm is the very best time for a game of fetch. And so we played, with me laying on the couch and throwing the paper, and the kitten racing across the room to catch it and bring it back to me. We spent nearly a half-hour like this, until Oliver finally stretched out across my legs and for the first time all week…slept straight through the night. Thank God for small miracles.