Category Archives: musings

honesty

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Because I am more than a little tired of S.A.D. kicking my butt every winter. It’s been very cold and very dark lately; it hasn’t really snowed yet, but I had a dream that it had snowed and I kind of wanted to cry. I think that if I walked outside right now and felt sunshine on my face I would cry. From happiness.

Working extra hours on third shift hasn’t made things easier, and tonight Stephen asked my why I was working so often. “Because I need the money,” I said. ”I need the money so that I can get out of here. Because I love y’all, but I just can’t take this winter anymore.” Sometimes I think the knowledge that I won’t have to do this again next year is the only thing getting me through.

That, and my sun lamp.

october 30

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Since I realized that moving to Texas could very well make this my last New England autumn, at least for awhile, I’ve realized how much I want to appreciate and remember.

My drive home from work this morning coincided with the dawn of the beautiful morning light. Because daylight shifts so quickly, there are literally only a few times a year that this happens, only a few mornings where I by chance witness the light at its most perfect. The trees shone against the purple-grey sky. The scenery fairly glowed with the warmth of early dawn. I felt a twinge of regret for not having my camera with me, but I knew that a camera could never capture the depth and breadth and glory that I was seeing. Not just due to the limitations of technology, but also because you can never quite capture that filter of sentimentality that takes a beautiful autumn morning and makes a memory.

On the way home from the session tonight, lost deep in thought and Sigh No More, I missed the turn-off for home. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before and spent a good minute kicking myself for my oversight. I pulled off at the next exit, several miles down the highway, and took Route 1 north toward home. I ended up driving through York and Ogunquit and I was reminded again just how unique and special is this little corner of the world. We live amidst villages, tiny mainstreets in the middle of the woods and the wild, and barely a stones throw from the Atlantic Ocean. They are especially charming at this time of year, in the early holiday season when the trees are strung with lights and every little shop and restaurant exudes warmth and welcoming. It’s like driving through a miniature set.

And I thought: I will miss this.

Not the winter, not the cold, and certainly not the dark. But this Norman Rockwell-esque beauty that is my HOME. This is where I come from and this is what will always hold a place in my heart. My own little postcard life.

it’s hard to write about life when you’re living it

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It’s hard to tell a story when you’re in the middle of it.

I’ve been sharing bits and pieces with various people in my life, but I feel like I should bring it all together now. It’s not a complete story yet. It’s just what’s been happening, where I am, and where I’m going.

~ * ~

25 has been strange for me – I don’t know how else to put it. I’ve felt restless, aimless, frustrated, and often unfulfilled. I couldn’t quite pinpoint why. If anything, I’ve been very settled this year. I have responsibilities and a routine. I have my own space in the house, and time to pursue my own interests. I’ve even started my own small business. But something was off and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

I’ve said it to a few people already, but until this year if you had asked me how old I was, I would have had to stop and think about it. I just didn’t ever think about my age. But then I turned 25 and, I don’t know why, it just wasn’t settling well with me. I’ll be honest: I thought it was a guy. Not a specific guy, but rather the general lack of a guy in my life. I’m not one to think that life isn’t worth living until you’re romantically attached, but my heart was looking for something outside of what I had and I am a young woman with hopes for a family of my own: of course I would love to find myself a wonderful man. But that wasn’t happening and, like my age, for the first time ever it was bothering me.

On the counsel of some very wise Christian sisters, I put aside thoughts of Mr. Right and poured myself into the things I enjoy doing, like cooking, doing school with Hannah, and building my business. But with particular regard to the business, long-term plans just weren’t panning out, and I couldn’t figure out why. I thought maybe I wasn’t pouring enough of myself into it, but I just didn’t feel like I had a whole lot more to give. Nothing was sticking.

So here I was: 25, mildly dissatisfied with life, and trying to make the best of it. What else could I do?

I had planned a trip to visit my friend Kayla in Austin. She and her husband, Chris, moved down there at the end of June and I was really looking forward to the opportunity to see her and her new city. So I went, had an amazing trip, and couldn’t help but fall in love with Texas.

And then it was time to come home. At a time when I should have been asleep, with a flight in less than eight hours, I was instead sitting on Kayla’s couch. Crying.

I did not want to leave Austin. The week had been so amazing, and…I just did not want to go.

I’ve traveled all over the world, I’ve formed some very deep attachments to the places I’ve been, and it’s always hard to leave and go back home. But it had never been like this. I had never, ever cried. I couldn’t get over the feeling that it was *wrong* to leave Texas, and when I landed in Boston, for the first time I felt truly out of place. No matter where I’ve gone, New England has always held my heart. It’s just not the same anymore.

My last night in Austin, while we were driving back to her place, Kayla and I talked about the future. I told her that the last time I felt this dissatisfied-upturned-confused-questioning-uncertain feeling about where I was in life, it was just before I went to Ethiopia. Spent the hardest two weeks of my life in Africa, praying praying praying. And when I came back from that trip, I left my church of 20 years, stepped down as a youth leader, and made the definitive step in my journey to Orthodoxy. Best thing I ever did.

And now I was having those feelings again. I was praying again.

I went online and shared with my GCM sisters. I poured my heart out, expecting nothing more than listening ears and thoughtful prayers. What I got were responses, from some of the most wonderful women I know, telling me that they felt something was happening. So strong was the sense that “It’s time,” they were crying along with me. Some of the most trusted people in my life were all having the exact same feeling about me with regard to change and growing up/moving on. It was overwhelming, in a good way.

I sat in church on Sunday, praying and worshiping and suddenly got that deep-in-my-gut feeling that moving was the right thing to do. In my personal experience, those deep-in-the-gut feelings are God’s way of nudging me toward a decision.

God was pushing me toward something I was only just beginning to accept.

On Tuesday, I went out to dinner with Dad. I was really feeling like I needed to connect with him. Both of my parents are awesome people, but my Dad has a natural gift for clear counsel.

So we talked and talked, and talked some more. It was challenging and eye-opening. We were very honest with each other. We prayed together. We both came near tears.

And it was exactly what I needed.

I came home that evening and shared the news with a few friends, news that I have started to share with more and more people, and I am now making quite public:

I am in the early stages of preparing to move to Austin, TX.

With this decision has come incredible peace. All of my floundering and fumbling has fallen away. I feel direction, I feel motivation, but more than anything, I feel peace. I feel that sense of purpose that comes from seeing what God has laid out and then watching as everything else in your life falls into place. I think I could feel this change coming up somewhere on the horizon, but I had no notion of what it was, and couldn’t seem to point myself in the right direction. I’ve felt frustrated and discouraged because what I was putting my energy into re: long-term plans, just didn’t seem to stick. I was restless but had no outlet. I now know what I’m working toward, and I have a clear mind and heart to do it.

This decision has also come with a lot of emotion. I know that everyone is feeling more happy than sad about it, but it is still a change – a very, very BIG change – for all of us. We’ve been a close-knit family unit for 25 years, and we’ve stayed close even as we kids have moved into adulthood. Now we’re just getting used to the idea of a “closeness” that does not include physical proximity. I’m planning and making lists (so many, many lists, because that’s what I do) and we’re talking a lot about the future.

And I am excited. I really am.