the domestic zoo

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[image: 21 Awesome T-shirts for Photographers]

Because it reminds me of Inga; we had her for over twelve years and she did die while I was in college. Her birthday was three days ago and sometimes I just really, really miss her.

One of those months where you wonder where the time went.

One of those weeks where you get a long-anticipated letter and four days later, you still haven’t written a response.

One of those days where you feel like you’ve accomplished something when you change from one set of pajamas to another.

And so it goes.

Nothing of any particular excitement has happened, either, which would make the general busyness of my life seem a little more worthwhile. I did undertake the monumental task of organizing all of Hannah’s schoolwork from this past year, figuring out what we didn’t need to keep, selling and/or giving away old books and materials, and now I just need to sit down and figure out curriculum for next year. Homeschooling is pretty awesome in a lot of ways, but choosing curriculum is NOT one of them.

I’ve missed the past two Presanctified Liturgies. I’ve decided to call it quits with the 365 project. My sleep patterns have been disrupted lately, and while I’m still having vivid dreams, I can barely recall them once I’ve woken up.

On the plus side, I’ve read three or four books in just this past week. I got a new cell phone and returned the Nokia brick phone that the hospital provided; the new phone is far cuter and has a Bob Marley ringtone. Africa is only a few months away, and it’s looking like I might also be taking a trip to Arizona in May. The future is bright…

Now if I could only figure out where I’ve misplaced my brain.

I think it was  who mentioned awhile back that you were watching The Up Series? I’ve been watching them at work and right now I’m about halfway through 28 Up. What an absolutely fascinating series, especially when you think about the fact that it’s just very basic camera work and the subjects talking about themselves. It’s really incredible.

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My dreams were rather disjointed the night before last, but still remain very vivid. The strangest thing is that it doesn’t seem right to feel so well rested when you also feel like you’ve been awake and active the whole time. Very strange, indeed.

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I ♥ my new computer. It’s just the cutest lil’ thing ever.

My room, on the other hand, is so discombobulated that it’s kind of stressing me out. I feel like I need to get in there, clear things out and start from a clean slate, but at the moment even I don’t have that kind of time.

I was watching ‘s latest video yesterday, and it got me to thinking (sorry that I didn’t comment on the actual entry, but a coherent response was eluding me). By the way, if you’re not watching Sara’s videos, Why not? They make me want to get my own camera and start recording video blogs.  And then I think, no, I could never be that awesome.

Anyway…hello, tangent. 

She was talking a bit about journaling, and how it’s not really a good thing *not* to write when life is somewhat sucky, because you should get it out. Which leads me to wonder where that leaves me, when my life is okay, but I just perceive it to be sucky because I am possessed of sucky brain chemistry. And I just used ‘sucky’ three times in one sentance. Go me.

I’ve had Seasonal Affective Disorder for years now, and each time it hits the depression tends to magnify whatever’s going on in life at the time. During school, it made finals an absolute walk through hell. During low times with friends, it made me feel very much alone. And now, when I’m not stressed, and I’m not lonely, but I am in fact home most of the time, it’s really made me feel trapped. Claustrophobic. Stuck in a little house, surrounded by tons of snow and freezing temperatures and dark. So much dark. I’m practically clawing the walls.

I absolutely love my home and it’s the last place I want to be lately.

And of course, with every depression comes total apathy, which is why I haven’t been online much, or writing here. I just don’t feel like doing anything (combined with: "I hate moping around this house all day". Does it make sense? Not really.) Some days, like yesterday, Project 365 is the only thing that gets me to pick up my camera. Which is saying a lot.

So I’m doing my best to eat healthy foods, lots of fruit smoothies and plenty of water. I take my vitamins, am well rested, and have been waking up early to pray and meditate. I’m even sitting in front of my sun lamp at the moment, and when our new elliptical arrives, I’ll be back to an exercise routine that I love. But nothing really makes it GO AWAY. So I keep pushing through it, making myself do things and go places, and reminding myself that Spring is just a blessed few months away. 

There wasn’t really an overarching point to this whole thing…I just thought it might be good to get it out.