I was watching ‘s latest video yesterday, and it got me to thinking (sorry that I didn’t comment on the actual entry, but a coherent response was eluding me). By the way, if you’re not watching Sara’s videos, Why not? They make me want to get my own camera and start recording video blogs.  And then I think, no, I could never be that awesome.

Anyway…hello, tangent. 

She was talking a bit about journaling, and how it’s not really a good thing *not* to write when life is somewhat sucky, because you should get it out. Which leads me to wonder where that leaves me, when my life is okay, but I just perceive it to be sucky because I am possessed of sucky brain chemistry. And I just used ‘sucky’ three times in one sentance. Go me.

I’ve had Seasonal Affective Disorder for years now, and each time it hits the depression tends to magnify whatever’s going on in life at the time. During school, it made finals an absolute walk through hell. During low times with friends, it made me feel very much alone. And now, when I’m not stressed, and I’m not lonely, but I am in fact home most of the time, it’s really made me feel trapped. Claustrophobic. Stuck in a little house, surrounded by tons of snow and freezing temperatures and dark. So much dark. I’m practically clawing the walls.

I absolutely love my home and it’s the last place I want to be lately.

And of course, with every depression comes total apathy, which is why I haven’t been online much, or writing here. I just don’t feel like doing anything (combined with: "I hate moping around this house all day". Does it make sense? Not really.) Some days, like yesterday, Project 365 is the only thing that gets me to pick up my camera. Which is saying a lot.

So I’m doing my best to eat healthy foods, lots of fruit smoothies and plenty of water. I take my vitamins, am well rested, and have been waking up early to pray and meditate. I’m even sitting in front of my sun lamp at the moment, and when our new elliptical arrives, I’ll be back to an exercise routine that I love. But nothing really makes it GO AWAY. So I keep pushing through it, making myself do things and go places, and reminding myself that Spring is just a blessed few months away. 

There wasn’t really an overarching point to this whole thing…I just thought it might be good to get it out.