Two years ago, just before my first Pascha, I went with Dad to a Western Easter service at the local university. I couldn’t help but chuckle at the flyers left on our seats advertising “a chance to encounter the timeless Easter message like never before – See it. Hear it. Be a part of it. Experience Easter with all five senses.“

At the time I remember thinking, our church does that too. But it’s not a drive-through, and it’s certainly a lot longer than 15 minutes…

Having been was chrismated and received into the Orthodox Church on Holy Saturday, every Pascha seems like an anniversary, a time to look back. I know it seems silly, but one of the first things – one of the very first things – that made me reluctant about Orthodoxy was the repetition. I mean, how could you possibly find meaning in doing the same thing over and over, every week, every year?

Of course, what I didn’t realize then is that is that repetition doesn’t have to mean boring. And that while the hymns and the feasts may remain constant, every year they are different because every year I am different.

Two years ago, I was a brand new Orthodox Christian, still a little overwhelmed by it all and so excited for Pascha that I fairly floated through most of the service.

One year ago, I was tired, and hurt by failed relationships. I crawled toward the Lenten finish line and after Pascha I wrote, My fasting was difficult, my prayer life a challenge. And when we finally came to the celebration of the Resurrection, part of me was jubilant while the other part just wanted to curl up and sleep.

As for this year? I came to Pascha simply saying, “Lord, I believe; help Thou my unbelief.” Pascha was wonderful and joyous in every way. But…I miss having community. I miss worshiping in my own language.

I love the Church. I love her beauty, wisdom, strength and steadfastness. That repetition I so loathed has begun to form the tapestry of my life, and I can say with all my heart that I believe the Church holds the fullness of the faith.

But of course, the Church is made up of people. Frustrating, disappointing, irritating people. Most of my atheist friends rejected God not because of any church doctrine, but because they were hurt or belittled by church people. Let she who is without sin cast the first stone, right? I know that I am no better. Orthodoxy is absolutely wonderful, but I’d be lying if I said it was always fun.

So that’s where I am this year. Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.

On a brighter note: this was the first Pascha with our new priest, who is absolutely wonderful and we are so blessed to have him.